Kara moves over to the hot seat and is interviewed by Kelly Lyndgaard on power, coming out of the career closet + not belonging on #LevitalcorpsSalon #podcast.Read More
When shit happens (in spite of plans of contingency plans of contingency plans), use it.Read More
What happened when I was asked if I was an artist and then spoke morse code. #33ktasklistsRead More
Here's what one (initially reluctant) client wanted to share about her experience working with Kara and what she achieved for that investment of time and money - in her own words.Read More
What's on the other side of doubt and fear? This.Read More
Yeah, it’s Valentine’s Day again. Much like the dreaded wedding bouquet toss, it’s that day that separates us into the haves and the have-nots. It’s a commercial day marked by inferior-quality chocolate. (Gasp!) However, this day is a reminder, a really useful one. Because, get this, you have everything that you need right now to make this day whatever you dream up.
C’mon, hear me out.
As many of you know, I got married last year. Femme Ephemera (me) married dixiecupdrinkin (Craig). We met on match.com; those were our screen names. It’s the chronic overworking city-dweller way.
Here’s the interesting bit: Neither of us thought that we’d ever get married.
I was Craig’s 50th (and what he declared, last) first date from match.com. I’ve probably been on as many first dates myself plus a couple of epic (yet informative) fails in the Relationship Department. At points, I have had Saturday night double dates with Auntie Mame and Ben & Jerry. I was your garden variety unlovable.
Then, something changed…
I decided that I was going to date myself. Sounds weird, I know. Through all of the heartache, I realized that I felt unlovable because I didn’t love myself enough. Past dates or relationships were crushed by me looking externally for the love that I needed to cultivate internally. It wasn’t happening to me; it was happening because of me. While I professionally explored concepts like locus of control, I was slow to apply it to my dating life. If a change was going to happen, I had to be the one to change.
Literally, I planned dates for myself – films, shows, fancy cocktails and maxing & relaxing hours in Prospect Park. I started cooking dateworthy dinners at home just for me. I wore red lipstick around the house. I gave myself Hot Towel scrubs or salt scrubs before bed that made my skin glow. I even made sure to get regular massages for my body that was Pilates-teaching and half marathon running. I got more sleep.
I met some quality dates. When I started treating myself as well as any potential suitor (or better!) and defining what was important to me, The Universe seemed to nod in approval. Not to mention, a woman who is making herself happy just glows. Men could see that, too. Then, things flow naturally.
I stopped attaching myself to the outcome. A daydream was just a daydream. I went out on dates not Summits of Potential Future Lifetime Partners. My entire future happiness wasn’t the 800 lb. third-wheel gorilla in the room anymore. The pressure fell away. A cocktail was just a cocktail. I didn’t need to be rescued from the single life. Dating myself was pretty rad. [Buffs nails on shirt.]
I stopped settling. With all the self-dates that I had planned, a guy better be pretty awesome to get on my calendar. When dates just weren’t Mr. Right, I stopped making them Mr. Right Now. No more bartering with my heart, my energy or my time. My happiness was my prerogative. It just became easy to decide what to do next.
It wasn’t long before I had a date with a green-eyed Cancer man who sent me initial emails about Hammond vs. Farfisa organ sounds in rock & roll and failed attempts at brewing beer. Turns out, Craig was just as much fun as dating myself.
Whether you’re single or not, when’s the last time you took yourself out on a date? If it’s been longer than you can remember, that’s waaaaaaaaayyy too long! What awesome self-date can you schedule for this very week? Inspire me in the comments below, hot stuff!
"Do you regret what you have done or what you didn't do?" This is a question that recently came up over dinner with a couple of The Ladies. Honestly, The Universe amazes me sometimes with its synchronicity. A couple of weeks previous, I started working with a new coaching client who told me how they have "cheated death twice." That expression had left me thinking long and hard about living life. I mean really living life.
For those of you who have known me since my early 20s, you probably know how much thought and energy that I have put into really exploring what it means to live life fully. For those of you who I've met since then, let me share. Over roughly a three-year span, I lost two friends, two aunts, two grandparents, an uncle and my father. Some of these people were taken from me September-11th-suddenly, while others slowly succumbed to Alzheimer's Disease and various forms of cancer.
For those of you who have personally "cheated death" or experienced a type of loss similar to mine, we have a truly deepconnection with how valuable life is. I often, somewhat facetiously, remind my clients that we only have one time around on this big ball of mud. Perhaps that sounds a bit flip, but it's a big truth.
To answer The Ladies' question from our dinner last week and as Edith Piaf once warbled: Non, je ne regrette rien. (For the non-French speakers: No, I regret nothing.)
Although it was the darkest period of my life and I still miss those people dearly, I wouldn't trade the experiences. The wisdom that came out of that darkness was purely a gift. In fact, I wouldn't trade any of the other experiences in my life so far either. Sure, there are times where I find myself wishing that I had said this instead of that, not eating the last third of the pan of brownies or worn more comfortable shoes. Let's be serious. Those aren'treally game-changers, now are they?
So, what is regret; and, frankly, should we really give a damn?
According to Mr. Webster and The Merriam Brothers, regret is "sorrow aroused by circumstances beyond one's control or power to repair." Perhaps, I'm oversimplifying here, but it seems to me that we make ourselves feel rotten over things that are done, unable to be changed and likely weren't totally in our control anyways. Now I'm not a PhD in psychology; and I'm sure there might be some reason for this psychological or social construct. However, I'm an ardent proponent in moving forward.
So let's ditch regret:
Accept that there are no do-overs. Remember when you were a kid playing Capture the Flag or tag with friends. If you screwed something up, you could just yell, "I call a do-over." Unfortunately, real life doesn't quite work that way. Apologize when it's necessary. More importantly, stop trying to fruitlessly do-over situations in your head. It's energy that could be better spent moving forward.
Dismiss the Itty-Bitty Sh(!#y Committee. If you are replaying a situation that you regret over in your head, no doubt that you're also being fiercely critical of how you handled the situation. Those self-defeating inner thoughts are like a bunch of cynical critics meeting in your head as what I dub the Itty-Bitty Shitty Committee. That committee is neither useful nor realistic. Shut. It. Down.
Don't be a victim. Everything is happening for you, not to you. Acknowledge the circumstances and take responsibility for your choice in actions. Learn from the situation. The worst screw-ups or situations are often the moments in which you grow the most as a person. (It may not seem like it at the time, but be patient.) Ask yourself how you can handle the situation better next time and what you learned.